Now i'm just living for the moment =] Carpe Diem.

It may make me sound v v superficial to say that the fact it is snowing right now has saved my life, for the time being at least, but idc cos it has. i am realising lately that i have really bad mood swings. + can go from being really happy to totalling depressed in a matter of minutes +, as seen today, vice versa. This morning + right into this afternoon i was genuinely going to kill myself, or do something almost as stupid anyway. i may have forgotten about it for brief hrs + i didn't plan to do it today but the plan was there. The plan is still there underneath the snowy euphoria but it's less nagging now. Maybe it's less about snow making me happy + more about snow bringing about the conversations, the actions, the smiles that i need. Snow also always makes me think of redemption. It says somewhere in Psalms "Wash me + i will be whiter than the snow" or something like that. + it's a nice picture + maybe even an even nicer reality that God can take all our shit, all our guilt + shame + hurts + wash them away so that instead of being so dirty w/ it all we are whiter than even the snow. i like that idea, whether it's any more than an idea i can't know but i like to think that it is. i like to think that this God is like that. That God is both ridiculously powerful + intimate at the same time. That God could be in control of the weather, the most powerful thing on Earth really + create something beautiful like snow + use it as a picture of this wonderful redemption He offers + use it to fight for me, i like the idea that God allowed me to live a little longer tonight by making it snow. It's a nice idea anyway. But either way i love snow hugely. Discovered a greater love tonight for standing out barefoot in it =]

i don't know why i'm writing this or why i'm writing here. But i want to die. This is me giving up. i can't do this. i'm so dead inside. There's no point.

Yeah right... i have little expectation of this year being happy. Maybe that's just bad attitude but i don't. Even over the past month or so life has seemed to get more "challenging". i have a friend w/ cancer who may die this year + other friends who are struggling + who's futures also seem worrying. Not to mention the fact that this summer is the end of many things. The end of 14years routine of school. The end of 4years of housegroup, the happiest moments of my life. Things are going to change, people are going to be lost. If i'm honest i'm scared about where this year is going to take me, where it's going to take us. 
Despite these anxieties + the weight of the hurt + sadness i'm feeling anyway at the moment last night was a good good night. Last night was probably my favourite ever New Year's Eve w/ family + people who feel like family. My family (my Mum, my Dad, Philip, Simeon, Joey + me) went round to Sammy's house to spend the night w/ her family (Audrey, Peter, Sammy + Thomas). They do feel like family. It's funny cos Sammy's my best friend + then Audrey's 1 of my Mum's best friends + Thomas is 1 of Philip's best friends. Anyway we had a good time round there w/ nibbles + rapidough + BBC1's London firework coverage + champagne at midnight + laughter + balloons + more laughter. Perfect way to bring in a new year.
Gonna finish w/ something i wrote earlier as a MySpace bulletin:
:"It is customary on this day facing a whole new year, a year that has never been had before to wish for each other that this year will be a happy one. We hope for a happy year, a prosperous a year, a year in which God will bless us for ourselves and the ones we love. We make resolutions, new rules that we are going to follow this year, rules to make us better, happier, healthier people. + so i wish you a happy new year. i hope that this year you will know that you are loved. i hope that whatever this year throws at you and at us you will make it to see 2011. =] xoXox =]"
So yeah...Happy New Year???

i am so insane! just going absolutely fucking absolutely uncontrallably absolutely terrifyingly crazy. idk what to do, idk what to say. i just sit + listen to the screaming inside my head. idk if i can get out of this, not this time. i'm not down all the time, i'm distracted w/ laughter, brothers. But leave me alone + quiet for long enough + the tears come, less time + the screaming starts. Oh God, where are you? what are you doing? You said to me to wait + i'm cool w/ that, somethings are so worth waiting for. but i'm not sure any more. it's not just me waiting + i don't see why any1 else should have to, not when people lives are at stake. God. The music's stopped + now my heads just so empty but still so full of that screaming. Full of these thick black vapours. i want to rip myself aprt, i just want to BURN, to do anything i can to just burn out. Oh oh oh.

People often say that Christmas is a really hard time but i never found it so. i had no bad memories or anything to ruin the beauty + childishness of Christmas. Maybe i still don't but this year Christmas was hard. It was hard because at Christmas surrounded by all the happiness + business it's not ok to not be ok. This isn't my 1st Christmas of things not being ok. i'm lookin back at 3yrs of selfinjury + another year before that of depression. Suicide. But this year the world is falling apart + it hurts. + i can't even really talk about it at any time + especially not at Christmas. The girl who used to be my best friend ever is ill w/ cancer in her brain, lungs + stomach. Because of this she has lost her memory. She's happy enough enagaged + living w/ a friend. But so much has been lost, every good moment, every feeling has all been lost. She will probably die this year, this isn't a new year to look forward to. The idea of losing her even more completely + permamnantly than i already have is difficult + more painful than the pain she has already caused me through her sometimes insatiable anger, the only emotion she can really feel, always directed at me. i forgive her for that, the pain she feels is worse than mine. Maybe that's why i'm not ok. But i think it's deeper. My dr is irritating me atm, she can't seem to see how desperate i am, how deep i've sunk, how i'm prepared to try anything, to try anything again to get better, to be able to live, to be happy + ok no matter how badly it didn't work before. i want to scream. i want to cut + burn myself more + more, to starve myself, running, smoking, music, anything to get that high, to feel ok. i don't know what to do. Everything is such a mess. i am such a mess. i'm losing everything my friends, my faith, my life. i can't cope w/ life anymore. This just hurts.